Confidence in Christ

Philipians 1:6 - "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."

I am amazed at how often I try to rely on my own strength, my own will, my own power to bring about results that are only possible through Christ. Even after seeing the way that I lived in my own power for twenty-seven years there is a struggle within me to attempt to acheive grace through action and self-determination rather than simply relying on the One who brought my dead heart to life. I guess that is slightly discouraging to my flesh. It is one more reminder that I am absolutely helpless without the mercy of Christ. I am absolutely wretched apart from the righteousness that can only be found in Him. Even on my best days my righteousness, apart from Him, is but a filthy rag.

It is, however, tremendously encouraging to my spirit. To think that He who saved me is also constantly beside me, inside of me, working to assure that I become who He wants me to be is beyond refreshing. To know that I no longer have to rely on my own strength, but can rest on His shoulders and allow Him to make His glory known to the world through someone who is so weak should cause me to wake up daily with only the word of Him on my lips. It should result in nothing short of eternal gratitude.

It does require something on my part, though. It requires that I die to myself. The only way that the world will see Christ through me is if I get out of the way enough for Him to shine through. It requires a quality that I absolutely refused to exhibit for most of my life: humilty. But even that is an outflowing of His grace and a work of God in my life. So, basically, I can only be perfected in Christ through submitting to Him and can only submit to Him by the working of His grace. Again, the only response I can logically have to this is gratitude.

I am looking forward to seeing what Christ does through His power, by His working, in His time, through a frail little vessel commonly referred to as Brett.

The Will of God

1 Thessalonians 4:3-4 - "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor."

How do I know the will of God? It is a question that I have asked myself repeatedly over the past many, many years. I can't count the number of times that I have prayed for God to reveal Himself and give me a sign as to which job I should take, which college I should attend and, (shocker!) who I should marry. It's funny, I spent years as a non-believer praying that God would reveal to me His will. Okay, it's not really funny. Maybe. I guess you had to be there. I have prayed that He would have a certain person talk to me if I was to make X decision, that I would close my eyes and listen for fifteen minutes for Him to say "Yes" or "No" on whether to take a new job, that if I was to marry a particular woman she would come up to me and (in typical romantic comedy fashion....which I don't watch....) break down, professing her love for me and I could declare mine in return and the birds would sing and the sun would shine and Lucky the Leprechan would bound down the freshly formed rainbow and give me his pot of, um, marshmallows. And, in typical reality fashion, nothing happened.

God has spent the past two weeks giving me a spiritual smackdown. Currently, my pastor is giving a sermon series on the will of God, and I don't think I could use anything more . I have been convicted of two major things through the preaching. The first is that I have used prayer about God's will for my life as a way to avoid that to which I know He has called me. How? As my pastor said yesterday, people will often come up to him and say that they have a feeling that God has called them to preach to their neighbors and tell them about Christ. His response? Um....yeah...the Bible clearly says that. I use the excuse that I don't feel God telling me at a particular moment to give to the needy, to preach the gospel, to flee from a particular situation that could lead to sin. The fact is that God has revealed to all believers, through the scriptures, how to think, how to act, how to love, how to live. We don't need His voice to give us direction. Or, rather, we don't need His audible voice. We have the Bible, which is the written word of God. There is no excuse for not knowing God's will for our behavior, because we have it recorded in one of the ten or fifteen Bibles sitting around our home.

Another thing that I was convicted of was that many times, if not most, my focus is more on the will of God, than in knowing the God whose will I am trying to discover. As my pastor said, "we wonder why He is vague about it, why He doesn't put it on a billboard. It is because He won't allow us to worship His will, He will only allow us to worship Him." More than I would like to admit, I pray for the situation, that God would reveal to me the correct direction to go. I spend relatively little time praying that God will use the situation at hand to mold me into the image of Christ. I believe that that points to what my heart values. I have spent countless hours day dreaming about (name withheld to protect the innocent) and wondering if she is in God's will for my life. How often do my thoughts turn to how I can please Christ, how great my love for Him? How often do I meditate on the words of the Lord, or read scriptures, or spend time praying that He and He alone will be sufficient for me? Not nearly enough. And another idol is revealed.

I believe that God has a specific will for my life. I truly do. As stated in an earlier post, I can look back over the past few years and see how God has been working through a variety of seemingly random circumstances to bring me to Himself. I don't, however, need to know that specific path that my life will take in order do the will of God. The will of God for my life that I can know, that I can follow, is found throughout the Bible. The will of God for my life is that I live in obedience, that I conform to the image of Christ. That I can know for certain. The rest will follow.

Power and Weakness

Definitely not going to be a long post tonight, but I am amazed at the bluntness with which God speaks at times. My prayer tonight was very short, sweet and to the point, "Why do I have the level of shyness that I have and can you please take it away from me?" The answer was similarly short, sweet and to the point. I looked to my left and realized the Bible was open. The heading? A Thorn in the Flesh. The verse? 2 Corinthians 12:8-9, "Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." How did I ever think I could live my life on my own?

The Dawn

As I sit here, smoothie in hand, gazing at my computer screen I think two things: 1.) Dole's frozen strawberries are worth a couple of extra cents when compared with Private Selection's and 2.) I am no longer content to be a man-child. The first realization hit the second the Meijer-brand vanilla yogurt overwhelmed the off-brand taste of what should be succulent berries as this chalky concoction melted over my tongue. The second began several months ago after years of self-reflection. This being the beginning of a new year I have made several semi-vague, but necessary, steps to change the second. The first will be dealt with by avoiding Kroger's frozen food section.

There are four paths that I want to follow during the year 2010:

Grow in Wisdom:
I have been content for too long with passively absorbing the world around me, content to know only what I needed to adequately perform my duties and live my life. I want to know more, not for knowledge's sake alone, but to become a more rounded person. Several ways of accomplishing this immediately come to mind. First, I have spent way too much time obsessing over television shows and listening to music. I am not saying that either of these is horrible unto itself, but neither stimulates the mind to think in new and creative ways. Neither provides any lasting ideas to help me grow as a human being. I value the artistic endeavors that their creators have embarked on, but simply viewing their work does nothing to help me to follow my own visions, find my own strengths, etc. Reading, on the other hand, strengthens the mind, allows me to develop more powers of comprehension and, if reading the right books, can actually introduce important concepts for me to practice. Let me state now that I rarely watch PBS. I realize it may help with some of those things too. But it is also boring. Really, really boring. I resolve this year to read many, many more books than I have before and Justin's reading contest provides me the perfect motivation to do so. Because, really, do I want to admit that Justin or Burris beat me at anything? I also plan on finishing my Master's degree by June and studying for my CPA beginning in September. I want to complete it by the time I hit thirty.

Grow in Stature:
Being a jittery, malnourished, pale-faced ten-year old with severe shyness was cute. Adorable even. At twenty-eight it is a burden. Although, I have to admit, it was fun pretending to be an intern at a company I worked at for three years and managing to fool the secretary into believing it everyday. I don't want to become some muscle-bound gym rat, but I do feel that there are some changes in diet and exercise routines that can make me more healthy and actually cause me to look like, gasp, an adult. So, this year I resolve to eat properly. That means less processed foods, more fruits, more vegetables. I also resolve to exercise at least three times a week (preferably five, but with school for the next six months that might be difficult). I want to be able to run several miles by the end of the year without passing out, and I want to gain at least ten pounds of muscle and knock off around two-percent of my BMI by the end of the year .

Grow in Favor with God:
This is the key to any changes in my life. It is also going to be the trickiest to measure. God causes the growth. It is not something that I can pray or read my way to without His hand in my life. Doing either without His help or focusing on growing for Him and not myself will cause piety, and we all know where that got the Pharisees. However, I cannot expect God to bless me if I am lazy and expect Him to fill me with complete knowledge of His word. There will be days when I may not get anything out of the Bible, there will be days when my prayer life is dry. But in those days, and every other, I want to read a chapter of the Bible, and meditate on it and pray for at least a half-hour. That isn't enough. I must also come to it with a heart of obedience and willing to follow whereever He leads.

Grow in Favor with Man:
Oh boy. This is going to be a hard one for an anxiety-prone, acid-tongued recluse. I have, however, been called to live in fellowship with other believers. Does this means that I will have to come out of my shell and attend social events that I would have avoided otherwise? You better believe it does. I have absolutely no idea of how I will get over my social anxiety long enough to attend said events. But I believe that the first way to overcome my fear of people will be to get outside of myself and begin serving. How does this look? I honestly have no idea. Second, my sarcasm has been one of the qualities I have been known for for years and will probably be the hardest thing I have to let go (Noooooooooo!) This year I will watch my tone and, yes, cut down on the sarcasm and work on (!) encouraging others. Does that mean that all of my quirky sayings will go by the wayside? Not if I ever want to speak again. But I will watch what comes out of my mouth. Even if it would have been the cleverest thing to fall upon the ears of man.

So, again, not an exhaustive list. It is, however, an important one. Every second I sit idly by is a second that I choose to stay a child. That is a choice I no longer want to make.

I Corinthians 13:11 - When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.

The Lost Decade

My feud with humanity has ended. I know that this will provide the species with much relief. No longer shall my icy stares, the sharp knives of passive-aggression, and the visage of my back turned away from the cries of the masses as my gaze falls upon the mirror of myself haunt those that dwell the earth. The toll? Years of loneliness, bitterness, difficulty relating to anyone, the lack of love, spiritual disobedience and emptiness, emotional immaturity, and regrets. On the other hand, the world has had to toil along without the beacon of light known as Brett. The winner? Let's just call this battle a draw.

Why do I begin my first post this way? To give you a clue as to the title. From the vantage point of January 2, 2010 I can look back at the years 2000-2009 and, I believe, adequately assess the value that they have had, the lessons learned, the relationships formed and the growth that occurred. The judgement isn't pretty. At all. To say that I have regrets would be an understatement. I spent what could be seen as the best years of many people's lives following almost every self-destructive tendency, living as if I was the only person that mattered, as if the feelings of those that I hurt were a drop in the bucket compared to the pain I felt, as if the ultimate goal of my life was to satisfy every craving my clouded mind and my selfish desires demanded. In short, as if there was no God to which I would one day give an account. And every met desire came short of satisfaction. Every bitter word refused to ease the pain and bring wholeness. The days spent away from others, sacrificed upon the altar of self, failed to bring me closer to self-actualization and led me away from the life to which I was truly called.

I know this sounds like another depressing post by yours truly. And to end it there would be. If the ability to make up for lost time, to forgive myself for past mistakes, and to live the next decade with a new purpose rested on my (admittedly narrow) shoulders, a Power of Positive Thinking seminar, a Joel Osteen "Best Life Now" sermon or Tony Robbins inspirational speech, then, indeed, I would be without hope. It doesn't and I'm not. Something else was happening this decade, as it has been for millenia. A light was shining in the darkness. In my case, I can trace hints of that light back to the darkest period of my life, the six months or so following college in 2004 and early 2005, when several "chance" encounters led me back to church and curiosity about God. I found a church in Apex (and, just prior to that, Hillside) that believed the Bible whole-heartedly. I saw people who truly loved God, not as a ritual, but a relationship. I wanted to see more. And the more I saw the more attractive it became.

I wish that I could say that it was at that time that I fell to my knees, the blinders were taken off and I prayed for salvation. If it was, this would be titled the Lost Half-Decade. It isn't. I spent several more years believing I was a Christian, going to church and trying to live a clean life. But a part of me wanted to hold onto some of the old habits, attitudes and thought-patterns. There is a reason that repentence is emphasized in the Bible and that we are told to daily take up our crosses, that no one can serve two masters. Fortunately for me, despite my own blindness, "...it does not depend on the man who wills or the man who runs, but on God who has mercy." (Rom 9:16). God was chasing me and He can run quite a bit faster than I can (even if I were more in shape). I began to question everything again, but this time it wasn't a question of whether God was real so much as a question of, knowing God is real, how do I live? Time and time again the message of repentance was presented. If I believe that the Bible is true then it must influence the way that I live. If Christ is the way, the truth and the life, then to live against that truth is logically ignorant and spirtually deadly. As James says, "In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead." (2:14). So, I came to one conclusion. My life had to change. So, as of 2009, "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me" (Gal 2:20).

Where does that leave me for the next decade? Right where I need to be to make sure that the debacle of the aughts never occurs again: in the hands and life of the One who saved me. I don't want to downplay the seriousness of this by making it come across as a resolution. It isn't a half-hearted promise made to give up on by February 1st. It is a change in life; a giving up of my life. I don't want this to come off as easy either. Mark 8:34-35 says, "Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it." The cross is a symbol of death. This means that, not for a month or a year, but every day for the rest of my life I must die to myself and follow Christ. His commands, not my own, must be at the center. Only then will I have a fresh decade that is marked not by regret, or bitterness, or apathy, or self, but by life.

Phillipians 3:13-14 - "Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."