The Lost Decade

My feud with humanity has ended. I know that this will provide the species with much relief. No longer shall my icy stares, the sharp knives of passive-aggression, and the visage of my back turned away from the cries of the masses as my gaze falls upon the mirror of myself haunt those that dwell the earth. The toll? Years of loneliness, bitterness, difficulty relating to anyone, the lack of love, spiritual disobedience and emptiness, emotional immaturity, and regrets. On the other hand, the world has had to toil along without the beacon of light known as Brett. The winner? Let's just call this battle a draw.

Why do I begin my first post this way? To give you a clue as to the title. From the vantage point of January 2, 2010 I can look back at the years 2000-2009 and, I believe, adequately assess the value that they have had, the lessons learned, the relationships formed and the growth that occurred. The judgement isn't pretty. At all. To say that I have regrets would be an understatement. I spent what could be seen as the best years of many people's lives following almost every self-destructive tendency, living as if I was the only person that mattered, as if the feelings of those that I hurt were a drop in the bucket compared to the pain I felt, as if the ultimate goal of my life was to satisfy every craving my clouded mind and my selfish desires demanded. In short, as if there was no God to which I would one day give an account. And every met desire came short of satisfaction. Every bitter word refused to ease the pain and bring wholeness. The days spent away from others, sacrificed upon the altar of self, failed to bring me closer to self-actualization and led me away from the life to which I was truly called.

I know this sounds like another depressing post by yours truly. And to end it there would be. If the ability to make up for lost time, to forgive myself for past mistakes, and to live the next decade with a new purpose rested on my (admittedly narrow) shoulders, a Power of Positive Thinking seminar, a Joel Osteen "Best Life Now" sermon or Tony Robbins inspirational speech, then, indeed, I would be without hope. It doesn't and I'm not. Something else was happening this decade, as it has been for millenia. A light was shining in the darkness. In my case, I can trace hints of that light back to the darkest period of my life, the six months or so following college in 2004 and early 2005, when several "chance" encounters led me back to church and curiosity about God. I found a church in Apex (and, just prior to that, Hillside) that believed the Bible whole-heartedly. I saw people who truly loved God, not as a ritual, but a relationship. I wanted to see more. And the more I saw the more attractive it became.

I wish that I could say that it was at that time that I fell to my knees, the blinders were taken off and I prayed for salvation. If it was, this would be titled the Lost Half-Decade. It isn't. I spent several more years believing I was a Christian, going to church and trying to live a clean life. But a part of me wanted to hold onto some of the old habits, attitudes and thought-patterns. There is a reason that repentence is emphasized in the Bible and that we are told to daily take up our crosses, that no one can serve two masters. Fortunately for me, despite my own blindness, "...it does not depend on the man who wills or the man who runs, but on God who has mercy." (Rom 9:16). God was chasing me and He can run quite a bit faster than I can (even if I were more in shape). I began to question everything again, but this time it wasn't a question of whether God was real so much as a question of, knowing God is real, how do I live? Time and time again the message of repentance was presented. If I believe that the Bible is true then it must influence the way that I live. If Christ is the way, the truth and the life, then to live against that truth is logically ignorant and spirtually deadly. As James says, "In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead." (2:14). So, I came to one conclusion. My life had to change. So, as of 2009, "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me" (Gal 2:20).

Where does that leave me for the next decade? Right where I need to be to make sure that the debacle of the aughts never occurs again: in the hands and life of the One who saved me. I don't want to downplay the seriousness of this by making it come across as a resolution. It isn't a half-hearted promise made to give up on by February 1st. It is a change in life; a giving up of my life. I don't want this to come off as easy either. Mark 8:34-35 says, "Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it." The cross is a symbol of death. This means that, not for a month or a year, but every day for the rest of my life I must die to myself and follow Christ. His commands, not my own, must be at the center. Only then will I have a fresh decade that is marked not by regret, or bitterness, or apathy, or self, but by life.

Phillipians 3:13-14 - "Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."